My dad once told me that your age is the speed at which you run through life. Now I’m at 26 mph. Sometimes thinking about it makes me dizzy with anxiety. Did the last year count? Where do I go from here? Am I doing enough? Am I headed in the right direction?
But when I’m lucid and when I’m positive, I’m thrilled by the momentum that I’m gathering. My goals are a little clearer. My ideas of who I am and what I want to do have a sharper outline than they did before.
My birthday this year felt like a week full of family and friends. I only have this one terrible picture with my family (terrible because I look bad).
Dinner with friends.
Adventures with Yurha. (She took me to see Kari Jobe!! My favorite!!!!)
Random shenanigans. Whose idea was it to fit 10 people in that photobooth?!
There’s very little that gives me more joy than spending time with these people, and there’s very little that gives me more peace than digging through a collection of memories I’ve created with them.
I prayed on what I wanted to make of this year—2018, 26, whichever—and the image that came into my mind was a worker in a field. What I see is difficult and demanding work, but what I feel is joy and anticipation. For the last several years, as you may already know, I’ve struggled with the fact that I wasted so much time. I never felt like I was doing enough, moving fast enough, being useful enough. There were a lot of moments when I felt that I was putting work into a black hole, and that whatever I did quickly evaporated in oblivion. There were other moments when I felt like my life was completely subterranean, like it was stuck in the ground unrecognized and unfulfilled.
But I finally have the knowledge and confidence that I’m working toward forthcoming returns. I’ve learned in the past several months that nothing I did has been vain. All this time when I thought I was being silenced or restrained, or even abandoned, I was actually sowing. It’s taken me years to be at peace with who I am and what I’m doing, but—finally—I have a moment to rest and to think on all the good that’s headed my way. When I sow, when I trust God and follow him, when I’m diligent and faithful, I will ultimately reap good fruit.
Those who sow in tears will reap in joy. She who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with her.”
Cheers to year 26!